Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back...

So I'm going through the stages of grief...apparently.

It would appear that I am caught up in stage 4...depression.  It's either that or denial and anger, which would be stages 1 and 2 combined.

Whatever.

Our house is still not on the market and with the stickler we have for a realtor (who is a great Christian guy but who has no kids, doesn't homeschool the kids he doesn't have, and has no concept of my life) it may never get there.

Actually, the house looks better than most he's shown us.  Far better.

Really good, for a homeschool house.

The kids rooms are immaculate.  Sweet!  How long will that last?

And yet, there are minute little details that prevent the official photographer from being able to take pics.

I can't even remember what they are - which is part of the problem.  They are so minor that my brain keeps going haywire on me.  I need to make a list.

Problem two:  I'm soooooooooo tired.  No really.  My body feels like a bag of water that sloshes around every time I move.

My arthritis is causing me screaming pain and sometimes I just want to cry because I feel so unable to tackle the things that need done.

School is somewhere in oblivion at the moment and I'm supposed to give a speech on diligence this weekend; I feel like the least diligent person alive right now.

I don't sleep at night.  I lay in bed until I can't anymore, get up and check on the kids, lie in the chair for a while, watch some internet TV, try to sleep again, take the youngest back to bed at 3 am after a bad dream.  Then, usually around 3:30 or 4 am, I doze off until morning.

I wake up feeling like the dead, assuming I have a vague idea of what that is (not really).  

I guess I thought moving would be for others in my family what it was originally for me; a great adventure.  Exciting.  

Now it has become this thing we have to do, and since we're just exchanging one cookie cutter suburban home for another I seem to have lost momentum.

I am not a mundane kind of girl.  I NEED MOMENTUM!  Whew!  That was exhausting.  See what I mean?  Even typing this is wearing.

So the photographer won't be coming tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day.  The flowers are all falling from the bushes and the intense heat may turn the beauty of Spring into a dull imitation of what was. and we'll have photos of that instead.  

But somewhere out there is someone who will love it all anyway and see that this is home, right?  

Right.  RIGHT!

Okay.  Okay.

The tears are welling - STOP!

I'm praying, it's the only thing I can do that gives me a sense of accomplishment.  It's powerful that way.  But it doesn't dust the furniture.  Or pack up the extra shampoo bottles and lotion and medicines so the closet looks like this is really a hotel.

But it is so comforting.  It is all I can do at the moment so I will continue.

I have a marathon day of kids lessons and activities ahead of me - no time for packing today.  And I must be diligent in my efforts to finish my speech on diligence before Friday.

Then I must summon the strength of Spartans to haul twenty tubs of books down to the homeschool conference friday night, set up, and be spic and span for my booth and customers.  They inspire me, these people who homeschool.  They are friends and acquaintances and strangers, but they are all on a mission from God, like me; to educate their children at home in a safe and wonderful environment of love and nurturing.  Yea us!

So now I am going to seek ibuprofen (if there's any medicine left in this house that I can find - oh, wait...I haven't packed it yet.  Good.) and then I am going to hope and pray that some energy seeps back in to my sloshy body to fuel my day.

I hope you are having a great day.  And if you happen to be moving, feel free to share your experiences with me.  Hopefully, we can encourage one another about how all this will eventually result in a wonderful home where our family will embrace the joy of living and serving God.

See ya!